Has been recalled by the Author (Rachel Plotkin), she asks you to please...chill!
Everything is fine, and no law suit is being started, the rumors are NOT true.
-Admin
I have never had many friends, so when I moved freshman year and met someone I finally felt like a normal person. I had a friend, not only a friend but someone that I could tell everything too, listen to every word she said and I was never jealous of her. She was an all A+ student who was literally good at everything. You name it, she could do it. Art, Music, Football, Tennis, Baseball, Fencing, Badminton, Writing in general, speaking, ect. I was the girl that couldn't give a shit, my grades would ride like a roller coaster, my family life horrid. Yet, not once did I resent her for it. In a way she helped push me, I wanted to be more like her, but if I wasn't it didn't matter because I had her to talk to. All my secrets were spilled, and I began to trust for the first time in my 14/15 years of life. Through freshman year we were inseparable. We hung out regularly in the summer.
Sophomore year came, same thing. I started planning my Sweet 16, which I had basically forced my mother into buying for me. She kept telling me she would go, even though somewhere in the back of my mind I knew she probably had some other obligation. I kept thinking, I'm more important than Fencing, she'll skip a little competition for my big day, right? That's what she told me...
Then one of my other friends comes up to me in the hallway, she tells me that I have to convince my BFF to go to my birthday because she isn't planning on going. This stung, I was being led on, lied too. Now this may not have seemed like a big deal, but to my low self esteem it was.
The next day at lunch I gave her the silent treatment, storming off as soon as she got to the table. I couldn't help myself. You know how you always are told to write a letter with all of your feelings, and then throw it away? Well I decided I didn't need to throw it, I would give it to her, she deserved to know and if she were a real friend she would get mad and get over it and maybe realize it wasn't fair to me. I swore, told her how I felt she was never there for me, because in truth whenever I really needed her she wasn't. I gave it to another friend to give to her, and asked her to tell her to meet me after last period. She was stone cold, not talking to me. I didn't expect her to come running out, screaming I'm sorry, but I expected something.
The next day she never came to lunch, the day after that, no show. The same for the next week. I decided to follow her and found her in the library, I sat next to her and tried uselessly to talk but she gave me the silent treatment, and wouldn't even LOOK at me. The next week she didn't come to lunch, she was sitting with someone else, before my next class I saw her walk by in the hallway and burst into tears in front of my entire class. Hyperventilating I walked to my social worker who told me bluntly she wasn't worth it. This hurt terribly, my best friend, my only and first best friend, wasn't worth it. I couldn't give up. Following advice I gave her space for two weeks, crying everyday, a couple periods a day. Then I started following her around, not a word. I couldn't take it anymore, I tried 'hurt' myself, only stopping because I knew my mother would be home and I knew she wouldn't care, she would just be mad at me for getting her kitchen dirty, and yelling wouldn't make my life better. Still I continued to follow her, making myself only more upset. I would say, "Hi" "How are you?" "What are you working on." Then sometimes, randomly, "I'm sorry" "Please talk to me" Then "Will you ever talk to me?" She spoke, it was the last thing I ever heard her say, "I don't know" She said, "Why?" I ask, so happy to hear her voice again. "Many reasons." I feel myself get angry, "What are these many reasons?" I growl at her, she storms off and I don't see her for a week. I avoid her at all costs. When I do see her I burst into tears, I still want to fix things even though now it seems pointless. I just don't know what to do.
-Rachel
(IGNORE SPELLING AND GRAMMAR)
This is definitely difficult for me to write, the words keep pouring out in my head but sound weird and different on paper, so here it goes:
I miss you. I miss talking to you, hearing your voice. I miss how smart you were and yet you never tried to make me feel stupid. I miss your laugh, your eyes, your smile, you.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I asked you to do my work, asked you for help, or for extra attention. My homework could have done itself, my problems solved by someone else.
Now, you hold my secrets inside you, my entire life in your hands.
I wrote a letter out of anger, with words that needed to be read aloud by me to be fully understood. Maybe I shouldn't have given it to you, just talked to you in person. I don't regret what I said, but maybe the way I said it.
My entire life has gone downhill from that very day. I'm sorry I followed you and if I made you feel bad, mad, agitated. I just needed to see you to talk to you.
You are my best friend, forever and always and I will never trust anyone the way I trust (trusted) you. I love you, you are my sister forever, the memories haunt me forever...the happiness that hurts me now, knowing you may never talk to me again.
My eyes are dry from crying just from thinking about you or the sound of your name. I cried for a month, in front of my mother, forced to explain to her the truth for once in my life. She was no help and neither was anyone else. I just wanted our friendship back. My psychiatrist told me that if you were a real friend you would come back to me, but you never did. Still, I never hated you for it, just mad at myself, and mad at you for not accepting my apology.
A month after the event I thought it would get better, I couldn't
cry anymore. I started blocking your name and face from my head. Then one day I walked in the hallway and saw you (after all the days of avoiding you) my world came crashing down. I felt stupid, you weren't an 'ex' just a lost best friend (the only one I ever had). I couldn't wait for the day to end, home did not come soon enough. Locking myself in the bathroom with a small sharp knife and started doing the one thing I swore to myself (and you) that I would never do. Deep breath and my eyes closed I pushed the blade against the skin of my abdomen, the pain was barely bareable but I did it again, this time pushing harder allowing the blood to start flowing. I cried, my tears blocking the view of the blood as the pain pierced my skin and with each drop made me twitch. I felt the blood under me and I knew it was flowing against the bathroom floor, I couldn't allow myself to stop. Just moving over to the other side, and a couple more deep slices I felt oddly reminded of Sweeny Todd. I couldn't die, I hadn't done anything worth dying for, but I needed you in mylife. Life without my best friend wasn't worth it. Throwing the knife accross the bathroom I lay in my own blood as it still shed and bawled, cursing my life for exsisting. The light outside changed from a light yellow to a deep black and I knew my mother would be home soon. Cleaning myself up, wrapping a towel tightly against my waist, washing the floor and the knife (many times) I realized that I was still alive, and you were still gone.
I called your house multiple times, I'm sure your parents hate me...actaully I am quite positive they do. I continued crying for 2 and some more months, and sometimes I still do.
I had a dream some 3 weeks or less ago and to any other person it would have been good. It was you, and me...I walked up, my mouth moved but I couldn't hear what I said. You said something and we hugged, cried, were happy. The dream continued to my wedding, you were my Maid of Honor as I always knew you would be. I woke up crying and screaming, depressed because I knew that that might not ever happen. How many times do I have to say I'm sorry, I know things may never go back to the way they were but I need you in my life. I HAVE NO ONE ELSE. I am alone. I am sorry, Forgive me.
©Rachel Plotkin 2009
Make me a Celebrity on facebook has kinda taken over my life for a good 3 hours. HELP!
Anyways, life is hard...nothing new to report there, want me to blog about something?
and I am truly sorry for that.
First off I would to start off by saying that I and a Twilight member will be attending one of the venues below, from 4pm to 4 am :) Join us for the Twilight DVD release.Borders, 755 W. North Avenue
Borders, 830 N. Michigan
Borders, 1539 E. 53rd St.,
Borders, 2210 W. 95th St.
Hot Topic, 551 Chicago Ridge Mall, Chicago Ridge
FYE, 551 Chicago Ridge Mall, Chicago Ridge
Hot Topic, 142 Yorktown, Lombard
Blockbuster, 2025 Lincoln Highway, St. Charles
FYE, 4 Woodfield Mall, Schaumburg
Hot Topic, 4 Woodfield Mall, Schaumburg
On another topic, life and all that comes with it is ok, treating me as it usually does, lots of bad and a few fabulous things.
Studying my arse off here and excited for Spring Break! Send me your stories?
OOOHHH btw do you like my new short hair?
From all of us at writingbella.com
Remember those people that told you 'you can't', the ones that didn't believe?
The ones that brought you down and said 'you never will'?
I remember.
Do me a favor, prove them wrong
©Rachel Plotkin
When our parents prepared us for life, they forgot one important detail.
They loved us too much, gave us too much, wanted not enough for us.
The world doesn't care about us; if we cry, die, kill, lie, hope, pray, beg, lay.
Thank the ones that brought you up
for making you able to love (even too much)
for teaching you that maybe
somewhere in the world, there is that wonderful place they always told you of.
©Rachel Plotkin 2/1/09
-Thanks Lovlies
Thought like sharing some wisdom with you !!
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